From the Hardwood to the Hard-Hitting, Part 2
By Paul Benedict & Anthony Peretore
Left Tackle: Danny Fortson: 6-8, NBA: 260 lbs., NFL: 320 lbs. NFL Comparison-Orlando Pace (STL) -Fortson is hands down the meanest player in the NBA (22 technicals, 3 ejections). Since playing rough in the NFL is not only allowed but essential, we assume this bad behavior would not translate into a slew of penalties. Left tackle is the most vital position on the offensive line (protecting the QB’s blindside), and thus we need a guy that’s not going to give an inch to opposing defensive ends. With excellent footwork in the paint, Fortson would undoubtedly bring that same asset to the line, an essential quality in keeping a step on quicker D-ends such as a Jevon Kearse.
Right Tackle: Obinna Ekezie: 6-9, NBA: 270 lbs., NFL: 315 lbs. NFL Comparison-Walter Jones (SEA) -Ekezie just sounds like a defensive end, doesn’t it? Like Ebenezer Ekuban or Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila, Chukie Nwokorie, Adewale Ogunleye or Chike Okeafor-it just fits. The name to go along with the big body would make him a steady tackle to oppose punishing left defensive ends such as a Michael Strahan. In addition, Obinna’s youth (29) as well as his tutelage from Maryland coach Ralph Friedgen would make him a solid protector of any team’s QB. The only problem might be finding a helmet to fit his massive dome.
Tractor Traylor’s already set with his Carl Banks uni
Left Guard: Robert Traylor: 6-8, NBA: 284 lbs., NFL: 325 lbs. NFL Comparison-Larry Allen (DAL) -Anyone nicknamed “Tractor Traylor” gets the automatically nod onto our team. While he may have served as a decent tackle, his weight would be better used in the middle of that line. Traylor’s wide frame and above-average mobility could help stuff up the middle on pass-protection, especially on key downs facing linebacker blitzes. The “Tractor” would also have no problem creating gapping holes for his runners to rumble downfield.
Right Guard: Michael Sweetney: 6-8, NBA: 270 lbs., NFL: 315 lbs. NFL Comparison-Will Shields (KC) -The biggest ass in the NBA (no, I’m not name-calling) would serve as an invaluable asset on the NBA-NFL O-line. In addition to his massive buttocks, Sweetney also boasts some of the best feet and post moves for a big man. His quickness and low center of gravity would be perfect in driving opposing defensive ends back to protect both his running backs and quarterback. He was a candidate for the center position, but with that gludeous maximus an abundance of fumbles seemed imminent.
Wide Receiver: Jason Richardson: 6-6, NBA/NFL: 225 lbs. NFL Comparison- Terrell Owens (PHI) -As one of the most athletic players in the NBA, J-Rich would be the most difficult receiver to defend in the NFL. He can jump (2003 Slam-Dunk Competition Champion), has superior quickness (1.5 SPG) and can score at will (22.1 PPG). His rare combination of size and speed would create match-up problems for any opponent. Safeties would be too slow and corners too small, ala T.O. Richardson would serve as our ultimate post-pattern receiver with either his speed or height assisting in always coming down with the rock.
The Franchise would be flying high for TDs
Arenas squirts through defenders into the open field
Running Back: Gilbert Arenas: 6-3, NBA: 191 lbs. NFL: 220 lbs. NFL Comparison-LaDainian Tomlinson (SD) The team’s lead runner has to have tremendous speed (check), great hands (check) and know how to hit the hole (check). As a point guard, Arenas knows how to pick apart defenses with his velocity and tremendous offensive awareness. With those big bodies blocking for him up front, Gilbert would have no problem hitting holes up the middle, dashing outside or catching the ball in the flat for a big gain. Arenas=1,300 yard rushing and 700 yards receiving=All-Pro.
Running Back: Baron Davis: 6-3, NBA/NFL: 223 lbs. NFL Comparison- Shaun Alexander (SEA) As a compliment to Arenas, we chose Baron Davis, a much bigger, tougher back. Davis, even at 223, has tremendous speed and even if a hole couldn’t be made, he’d have no problem barreling through opposing defenders for some scrappy yardage. Davis would be used primarily to wear down defensive lines with his body and strength, and then we’d bring in Arenas and his speed to catch a tired defense off guard…
Evans muscles through defenders
Full Back: Reggie Evans: 6-8, NBA: 245 lbs. NFL: 255 lbs. NFL Comparison- William Henderson Blocking for these two, as if they need it, is the wide-body Evans. While he is very tall for a fullback, he’d have to be to see over our giant offensive line. As one of the NBA’s superior rebounders, Reggie obviously has sensational hands and would be looked at as a third down receiver out of the flat (like our team would ever even have a 3rd down situation). But big Reg would be counted on primarily to protect our All-Pro quarterback…
Like Barry Sanders, LeBron would be a star on the gridiron
Quarter Back: LeBron James: 6-7, NBA: 240 lbs., NFL: 265 lbs. NFL Comparison- Daunte Culpepper (MIN) Now there may be some other guys out there that you’d choose over James, but c’mon now, in this day in age, the NFL is adapting to the more versatile signal-callers. Not only would James possess one of the strongest arms in the game, but he would also keep opposing defenses on their toes with his superior quickness. This rare combination of size and speed (like Culpepper) would keep linebackers on their toes all game long, opening up the middle of the field for both receivers and backs. Back in the pocket, rushing down the sidelines, splitting defenders, or airing it out, LeBron would be the best all-around QB in the NFL.
Kicker: Steve Nash: 6-3, NBA: 195 lbs. NFL: 205 lbs. NFL Comparison- Adam Vinatieri (NE) I’m sure we’ve all seen Nash kicking the basketball up and down the court between plays showing off his tremendous soccer skills. Well Stevie, welcome to swirling winds and 2 points deficits with: 02 ticks to go. We’re confident Nash would almost always send us home with the W, being carried off the field by our linemen with his shag hair blowing in the wind.
Defenders would be chasing Banks all game long
Kick Returner: Marcus Banks: 6-2, NBA/NFL: 200 lbs. NFL Comparison- Eddie Drumond (DET) Talk about lighting, Marcus Banks has to be considered one of (if not the) fastest player in all of the NBA. At 6-2, he would have the height to determine which hole to bust through and at which angle the opposing special teams is shooting down from. Miss one or two tackle and all you’ll be looking at is the 11 on the back of his jersey.
Kick Returner: Tony Parker: 6-2, NBA: 180 lbs., NFL: 195 lbs. NFL Comparison- Antwaan Randle El (PIT) If Banks isn’t the quickest baller, than Parker certainly is. Tony would have to put on a little weight going against opposing linebackers on kickoffs, but chances are he’d be able to dodge almost anyone. Good luck catching any of these two…
Water Boy: Kirk Hinrich: 6-3, NBA: 190 lbs., NFL: 130 lbs. NFL Comparison- Tim Berbenich (NYJ) Hinrich would be an excellent water boy as he has mastered the art of distribution in just his second in the league. Plus, with his name at only one syllable in length, massive lineman would only have to scream “KIRK!!!!” to get his scrawny ass over to them with the H2O. He’d have to drop at least 40 lbs. however, as water boys must be skinny and pathetic looking to play the part.
Offensive Coordinator: Mike D’Antoni NFL Comparison- Tom Moore (IND) Honestly, who else would we take? Phoenix leads the league with 110.5 PPG, 6.9 points than any other team. But realistically we could put a 3 year-old on the sidelines with a headset and this team would still put up 40 a game.
Head Cheerleader: Susie (Miami Heat Dance Team) This makes me happy…
How could this team fail with Susie cheering them on?