Friday , Nov , 11 , 2005 C.Y. Ellis

NBA fortune cookies

Let’s take a moment to celebrate our veterans that fought for this great nation…

Now, another moment to celebrate the gift of EIGHT beautiful NBA games tonight, two of which will be on the World Wide Leader. This is where the quire shouts, “Yes sir!”

So about, my Vets Day…Well, it first registered in my mind about one stinkin’ half hour ago despite a bunch of clues: me reading about it in our school newspaper, the Daily Illini, a Chicago Tribune front page article and big, bold obtrusive mention on my blotter.
After class, I became immersed in spring semester registration. As I winged my scheduling (as I always do), trying to find a class that’s actually available (man, I can’t wait to walk-on to the basketball team next year…) and changing my future with every fun click of the finger…I remembered one very, very important thing:
It was Oriental Food Night in the dining halls!
Yes, I gathered up the fam and walked across the cold to the food across the way. My buds and I had had a splendid time eating and talking and eating and eating and eating on the yellow and green paper-covered tables. It was truly an occasion.
But what’s an oriental meal without its essential touchstone? “FORTUNE COOKIES!!!!” I shouted. All the hot girls in the dining hall turned their pretty faces my way (works every time, men).
So I calmly walked over to the deserts, picked up the entire bowl of fortuned oysters of joy to bring back to my guys…and ran out with them all!
For the ubsurd number of these babies that go around in China, only two or three can be cooked in the oven at a time! Sure, I stole hours and hours…and probably more hours of long, hard, sweating chicken work. Whoops! Maybe I’ll return the bowl.
And for how great they taste, who would’ve guessed the most worldly and knowledgeable food items would consist of cornstarch, sugar, salad oil, egg whites, orange flower water (WHAT!?!) and grated orange rind?
So I’m sitting here, with the future of the rest of the world in my hands, and I’m here to share with you, sonny…
Hell, these wonderful fortune cookies even have the results of tonight’s games.
I could tell you right now, but what good would be a night without a little bit of wagering, emotion and utter pulse-pounding worrying jubilation!?
So I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m going to pop open five four-inch, crunchy cookies…only five! That should be enough to satiate your weird-*ss Chinese cravings. Now onto the magic and all-powerful conclusions written on small slits of edible paper (yes, it truly is):
You are not Superman.
– No, you are Allen Iverson. Ivey and Chris Weber will dominate for 65 combined points: Weber with 28 and Iverson with 37.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
– Z. Randolph will forever be posterized…for trying to dunk on Ben Wallace! Detroit will rock Portland by at least 8.
Every person is a fool in somebody’s opinion.
– The Kings will become 1-5 serfs after a heartbreaker to the Nugs. Yes, they’re f*cked!
Every solution breeds new problems.
– Lamar Odom will have over 6 assists…and a lot of rebounds….but Smush Parker and Kwame Brown suck!
Nice and soft words indicate a weak cause.
– The “best point guard in the NBA” is the leader of the worst TEAM in the NBA. Knicks get knocked out of their undergarments.