Monday , Nov , 28 , 2005 C.Y. Ellis

Gourmet meal plan

I’m sitting here blowing helplessly on my ice-blue hands to warm them up from the deep freeze that has entered my room. For a couple hours, my hands were white, but about two shades of blue ago I gave up on the possibility of me ever seeing my normal skin color until June.

My mom, dad and I entered my frigid icebox of a room yesterday, and I immediately knew the next three weeks were going to be hell. Mark it down, it’s Hell On Ice coming to the stadium near you!
No person in their right mind could expect an honest journalism student to study his best in the middle of an artic blizzard, let alone a crazy Eskimo.
Honestly, there’s something wrong with you if you live in Northern Canada. Something’s also wrong when you live in f*ckin’ Illinois and it’s warmer outside on Nov. 28 than it is in your room!
And what’s our chancellor doing at this time? Yeah, he’s looking at porn on his UIUC-bought computer. That’ll keep you warm all right, Richard.
Ahhhhh, that was fun to say. Now on to things that really matter.
Five games today. Four good games. One piece of sh*t match.
Yes, to clarify exactly, that one POS game involves the tall, shaggy German Dirk Nowitzki and his defenseless Dallas horsemen sans Joshua Howard, who happens to be the best player on the team. Yeah, talk.
Not to say they’re championship material, but they’re going to rock that sorry excuse for an AAU team hailing from Toronto with an bumbling manager who wears earplugs at home games…assuming he actually watches.
But let’s not overlook the four other courses in our gourmet meal plan tonight. Oh, we are blessed my friends. Oh yes, each game (sans Dallas-Toronto) will end with final scores within eight points of one another. Ryne Nelson Guar-ren-teed!
What a great night to bet for the underdog because there will surely be some upsets and damn-close-to upsets tonight, and they’re going to be coming any minute!
So get on the ball, boys. This is a night to make some serious dinero, and I’m doing all I can to get you richer. You can’t get a fat wallet if you’re afraid to open it up in the first place, bro!
Only Golden State is scoring more than two points over its opponent on average. This is going to be an eight-team, three hour arm wrestling match on steroids…and one English cup of tea. Cheers!