The Take: Keeping it REAL at the NBA trade deadline
Are you sick of NBA GMs standing pat at the trade deadline? Tired of franchise architects complaining about how tough it is to wheel-and-deal with the salary cap? Does their empty rhetoric and recycled lines about “doing what’s best for the team” bother you?
If you can relate to the above paragraph, then this article is for you. Here’s what every NBA team ‘really’ needs to do before the trade deadline. After all, sometimes the simplest moves work best.
New Jersey: The Nets should sign Charles Oakley for one reason: to publicly call out Vince Carter for his lack of toughness. Carter, with all his diving, could pursue a career in soccer with the Portuguese national team.
Philadelphia: A Flavor Flav clock for Billy King, the 76ers’ GM. This should help him track how little time he has left.
Toronto: Translators to help the Euros pronounce playoffs.
Chicago: Kanye West should drop a Kumbaya remix, featuring Coach Scott Skiles and center Ben Wallace. The duo’s mixtape, Skiles and Wallace: We are the World, hits the streets in 2007. No word on whether Wallace gets to wear a headband in the video.
Cleveland: Anderson Varejao must admit that he’s actually Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons.
Detroit: One team, two guys nicknamed ‘Flip’. That’s one flipping ‘Flip’ too many. And it’s not even an original nickname. Get ‘Flip’ Saunders or ‘Flip’ Murray to change their nickname. How about ‘Snakes on a Plane’ Saunders? ‘K-Fed’ Murray is catchy.
Indiana: A Larry-legend comeback. This is reasonable. After all, Rocky recently made a stair-climbing return at sixty, so what’s stopping Bird?
Milwaukee: Two flats of Fosters beer for Australian Andrew Bogut in exchange for a promise that his countryman Paul Hogan never makes Crocodile Dundee 4.
Atlanta: The Hawks may be beyond help. Your suggestions are welcome.
Miami: Provide James Posey and Antoine Walker with a private screening of Richard Simmons’ Sweating to the Oldies. This should scare the two forwards into keeping down their body fat.
Orlando: Screw the Rudy sequel. I want to see The Darko Milicic/Shawshank Redemption.
Washington: More of Gilbert Arenas, now known as ‘The Hibachi’, breaking himself off new nicknames, throwing down on million dollar birthday parties, and talking smack with teammate DeShawn Stevenson in practice.
Denver: Let the Nuggets play with two balls. That’s the only way to keep Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, and J.R. Smith happy.
Minnesota: More of NYC rookie Randy Foye. Hey, whatever it takes to keep the great Kevin Garnett from crying in future interviews with John Thompson.
Portland: Another expensive post player. Current Blazers like Zach Randolph, Jamaal Magloire, Joel Przybilla, and Raef LaFrentz only rake in a combined 36 million dollars a year.
Seattle: Lenny Wilkins has returned to the Emerald City as an advisor/coach-in-waiting. Why not bring back all the classic Sonics. Where you at Xavier McDaniel? Is Steve Scheffler in the house/Key Arena? How about a little ‘Downtown’ Freddie Brown and Gus Williams, too?
Utah: A Greg Ostertag comeback. Yeah, I said it.
GoldenState: Indiana has assumed Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy’s contracts. Can Chris Mullin, the Warriors’ GM, get Adonal Foyle and Jason Richardson off the books, too?
L.A. Clippers: What does the organization that drafted Benoit Benjamin, Michael Olowokandi, and Bo Kimble have against Corey Maggette? It’s like Arsenio Hall said: “things that make you go hmmm.”
L.A. Lakers: Hopefully, the new, team-first Kobe Bryant sticks around. Number 24, the facilitator, looks like the great number 23.
Phoenix: Let Amare Stoudemire design the Suns’ third uniform. Did you see dude’s eclectic wardrobe last year on the bench?
Sacramento: Vlade, Vlade, Vlade! Pull a Euro-Jay-Z and make a comeback.
Dallas Mavericks: A roster spot for Dirk Nowitzki’s idol, David Hasselhoff.
Houston Rockets: Fans need to stop stressing Dikembe Mutombo’s real age. MountMutombo is still a solid post.
Memphis/Vancouver: The ‘Vancouver’ Grizzlies have provided Three 6 Mafia with inspiration for their newest hit: It’s Damn hard out here for these Grizz.
San Antonio: Another monumental shot from Robert Horry.
Oly Sandor is an NBA analyst, free-lance journalist, and author of www.sandoronthenba.blogspot.com. His unique NBA takes have been featured on the most prominent basketball websites, magazines, and radio stations. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. And stay tuned for his official basketball diary called Your Morning Coffee & Oly’s NBA Thoughts.