The Boston Celtics’ New Year’s Resolutions
This article is a special feature from BSMW Full Court Press, one of the web’s finest Boston Celtics sites.
As people who are fond of clichés like to say, life is often stranger than fiction. After all, what kind of Celtics’ year could begin with an 18 game losing streak (originated on January 7th) and end with the team leading the league in wins and all relevant defensive categories? And yet, the men in green still strive for greater improvement, as evidenced by their rumored recently sworn 2008 new years resolutions, detailed as follows:
Kevin Garnett – Resolves to leap tall buildings in a single bound, which is about all the Big Ticket hasn’t done for his new team already. Also resolves to drive Rasheed Wallace clinically insane by Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals.
Paul Pierce – Resolves to keep that chip on his shoulder firmly in place because it serves him so well. Also resolves to continue channeling frustrations from dirty or rough defenders (e.g. Ron Artest, Matt Harpring and Jamaal Tinsley) into gritty offensive performances. Lastly, resolves not to call Antoine Walker in the middle of the night and giggle like a schoolgirl into his answering machine.
Ray Allen – Resolves to win at least three more games with back-breaking last-second three pointers and to continue earning his nickname of That Smooth Killer That Is Ray Allen.
Kendrick Perkins – Resolves to avoid killing any opponents with his bare hands (same every year). Also resolves to keep the ball above the shoulders on offensive rebounds and to smile at least once per game.
Rajon Rondo – Resolves to take the open jumper. Also resolves to grow three inches in order to be able to stack up against Chauncey Billups and to utilize speed to consistently stay in front of his man on defense.
James Posey – Resolves to draw at least one charge on each player in the NBA not wearing a Celtics uniform. Also resolves to provide longer pre-game hugs to his starting teammates.
Eddie House – Resolves to overcome latent fear of full court presses and one-year contracts. Also resolves to increase the quickness on his catch-and-shoot release span to the speed of sound.
Glen “Big Baby” Davis – Resolves to prove that he can actually slam dunk the ball during a game. Also resolves to quietly remind everyone with his play that he was a throw-in second rounder in the Ray Allen trade.
Scot Pollard – Resolves to single-handedly usher Chester Arthur’s bushy muttonchops back into style. Also resolves to utilize J.D. Drew’s oxygen chamber as a means of avoiding any further inexplicable injuries.
Tony Allen – Resolves to finish every fast break or drive to the basket with a thunderous dunk, thus conquering of his fear of blowing out his knee again.
Brian Scalabrine – Resolves to keep his chin up and remember that his value to this team is far from limited to his in-game minutes.
Leon Powe – Resolves to stop wishing terrible things upon Glen Davis, who has unceremoniously stolen his role as the “young physical energy guy with six fouls to burn”. Also resolves to grow his hair out into an afro to avoid any further resemblance comparisons to Tracy Morgan of SNL and 30 Rock fame so people will stop randomly shouting “I’m Brian Fellows!” at him.
On a personal note, I resolve to continue to thoroughly enjoy writing about this particular incarnation of the Boston Celtics. Let me put it thusly: We’re onto something special here, folks. If there were any doubters about lack of scheduling difficulty before this past week as a means of undermining their impressive record, let me present to you the just completed west coast swing as Exhibit A as evidence otherwise. This team is for real.