End of Season Awards Show — Sort of
At this point in the season all the real questions about the teams and players we follow have essentially been answered. We know which teams made good moves last offseason and which teams made bad ones. It’s no longer a question which players have taken steps towards stardom and which former stars are merely shells of their former selves. All that’s left is the post-mortem and essentially that’s what every major sports outlet is kibitzing about currently: which players are MVP worthy, who deserves coach of the year, who will make the all-defensive team etc. etc. Unfortunately, these types of ranking systems don’t tell the full story of what happened to the league this season. Twenty years from now these awards won’t reflect that this was the season that it was officially determined in
1. “If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you’re a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.”
This, after all, is the team that is so proficient at the three-pointer that poor J.J. Reddick has been rendered more useless than Jarron and Jason Collins combined. Poor J.J. Reddick, someday you’ll be on a team that isn’t stocked to the gills with three-point shooters where you can attempt your Jason Kapono-esque resurgence.
2. “Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
A secondary interpretation of this quote as applied to the Warriors would be fantasy-owners’ eternal frustration with Don Nelson. As a universal rule next year, anyone on the Warriors not named Baron Davis or Stephen Jackson is virtually undraftable next season as they’ll have their minutes yanked around so much you’ll start to question if they got traded mid-season. Seriously, Matt Barnes was passed around my fantasy league so much this season you’d think he was Flava Flav on a VH1 show.
3. “Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile!”
Apparently Isiah Thomas still considers himself a genius. Egads!
4. “About astrology and palmistry: they are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.”
5. “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.”
Watch out Miami Heat fans, your team is shockingly trying to be a D-League team towards the end of this season by rotating those 10-day contracts as fast as possible. If you had told me two years ago that Kasib Powell would be playing major minutes for the Heat while fans stayed away in droves I would have immediately checked to make sure you were still on your methadone. At this rate I’m positive that if the season went on another month we’d be seeing
6. “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.”
To the Milwaukee Bucks, who got themselves where they are now by being as boring and conventional as possible and seem determined to go down that road again in the near future.
7. “If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don’t need an enemy.”
To the entire Western Conference, who figure to be so battle-tested by the Playoffs that an Eastern Conference team that will have had a full week of vacation will dispatch their eventual champion with shocking ease.
8. “Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists”
To the rapidly-aging San Antonio Spurs. On the positive side, they’ve learned that Grape Nuts really do taste good and the Golden Girls really was the best sitcom of the 1980s.
9. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
After watching Rasho Nesterovic put up some monster lines (albeit in losing efforts) for the Raptors over the past month I thought “maybe he had potential and is just now turning into a good player.” Then I found out he was drafted in 1998 and is in his early 30s already. Seems like just yesterday he was that comically foreign guy on the Timberwolves who it was impossible to envision speaking to Kevin Garnett under any circumstances.
10. “We could have saved the Earth but we were too damned cheap.”
To the Memphis Grizzlies who have lots of nice young parts, but apparently shipped off Pau Gasol for laundry money, a turkey sandwich, and a dessert to be named later because the owner wants to clear payroll so he can sell the team. This certainly isn’t what was promised to the city of
11. “If there are any ghosts in my home they have such Episcopalian good manners they haven’t made a peep.”
To L.A. Clippers fans. Every time they have a “home” game against the Lakers, as they did last night they manage to idly stand by and let the “visiting” crowd dictate the tempo and electricity level of the crowd. Can you imagine this sort of thing happening at a White Sox-Cubs game or Mets-Yankees? Do the Clippers even have fans anymore or does Donald Sterling just place cardboard cutouts of white guys in Corey Maggette jerseys in the stands before every game?
12a. “One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.”
To Shaquille O’Neal’s career. In
12b. “What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.”
If such a device as a Lazarus Pit exists anywhere on Earth, it is surely located in
13. "My soul knows my meat is doing bad things, and is embarrassed. But my meat just keeps right on doing bad, dumb things."
Now doesn’t that sum up the entire Indiana Pacers team and why their fans and management are so fed up with them?
14. "History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again."
In a league that produces at least one surprise story every year this one goes to the New Orleans Hornets who didn’t make the playoffs last year, returned with virtually the same team (unless you really think Morris Peterson made all the difference, I know I don’t) and are now poised to capture the one seed in the toughest conference in NBA history. I haven’t been this shocked since Neil Patrick Harris came out of the closet.
15. “There is no way a beautiful woman can live up to what she looks like for any appreciable length of time.”
16. “I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”
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17. “Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.”
You didn’t like this article? Screw you too.