Saturday , Apr , 10 , 2010 C.Y. Ellis

The NBA’s Worst Tattoos: 10-1

If you’re finding this feature for the first time, you might want to check out the previous parts to warm up.  We don’t want you straining an eyeball.

The NBA’s Worst Tattoos 50-41

The NBA’s Worst Tattoos 40-31

The NBA’s Worst Tattoos 30-21

The NBA’s Worst Tattoos 20-11

The NBA’s Worst Tattoos: 10-1

10. Kobe Bryant’s "Vanessa" Tattoo

So, to recap, Kobe’s biceps is adorned with a crown, butterflies, angel wings, Vanessa’s hair and Vanessa’s name.  I can’t help but feel he could have saved some space by simply stamping the word "Sorry!" on his arm and calling it quits.

 

9.  Acie Law’s "Lord’s Favorite/Lawman" Tattoo

If there’s one thing worse than a tattoo that looks stupid, it’s one that confirms its stupidity with a grammatical error.  The "Lords [sic] Favorite" lettering on this tat does just that, and the sunbeams, clouds, fence, crown and suspect shading do little to improve the poor decision smeared all over Law’s shoulder and biceps.

 

8. Gilbert Arenas’ Tiger and Chest Tattoo

Grrrrr.  I can’t look at the tiger without seeing Arenas’ nipples as the eyes and his belly button as the mouth.  Accented by a hot mess of a chest tattoo, the innocuous design somehow ended up looking like South Bronx graffiti.  The cherry on this shit sundae was Gil’s decision to add red hearts to his right pectoral, which means that his chest now looks like an untended rosebush.

 

7. DeShawn Stevenson’s "Stevenson 2" Tattoo

What better way to acknowledge your identity as a basketball player than by having your name and number tattooed on your back?  That’s not a rhetorical question, and the answer is "Nearly anything".  Just to class things up a little, the giant "2" occupying prime position on DeShawn’s back is filled with dollar signs, with three aligned smoking holes implying a bullet wound.  The end result is that the giant design looks like a chubby snake that crawled through a bucket of toilet paper.

 

6. Kenyon Martin’s Tattoo of Trina’s Lips

As an encore, I’d like to suggest that Kenyon Martin have Trina’s ass-print tattooed on his hand.

 

5. Stephen Jackson’s Praying Hands with Gun Tattoo

Why does Stephen Jackson have a gun held by a pair of praying hands in front of a church window tatted on his belly?

"I pray I never have to use it again."

In that case, Jax probably should have had his brain tattooed alongside the gun.

 

4. Stromile Swift’s "God’s Gift"

I never realised it before, but when it comes to tattoos there’s a fine line between "Jesus with a basketball" and "homeless dude brandishing a pumpkin".


 

3. Michael Beasley’s "Supercool Beas" Tattoo

Because nothing says cool like a pair of ’90s-style sunglasses alongside what is either a pair of tiny wings or a life-size representation of Antawn Jamison’s eyebrows.

 

2. Mike Bibby’s "Team Dime" and Portrait Tattoos 

There’s something about this tattoo that’s deeply unsettling, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.  Oh, wait, it’s the disembodied heads floating on Mike Bibby’s back.  Definitely the floating heads.

 

1. Gilbert Arenas’ "Family Is A Haven In A Heartless World" Tattoo

If you were looking for a way to top the creep factor of a phantasmagoria of your relatives’ heads, you probably couldn’t do much better than working them into a bizarrely literal family tree.   And just look at the faces themselves.  From the very scared little girl in the upper-left portion of this monstrosity to the foetal Bill Cosby to her right, nothing about this tattoo went well.  Additionally, this may be the first tattoo in the world where the tattooed party is judging the crappiness of his own tattoo in said tattoo. Gil’s disapproving look says it all and sets this inkstain apart as the NBA’s very worst tattoo.

 

Did we miss any terrible tattoos?  Are these tattoos really that bad?  Let us know what you think of the NBA tattoos in this list by leaving a comment below.

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