Monday , Nov , 14 , 2005 C.Y. Ellis

Fun With Lists Pt. II: Yao Ming, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, and more…

What’s good, basketball fans?

For a time of year which is typically jam-packed with rumours, trades and other NBA news, things are a little quiet right now. Reports that Stephon Marbury’s days may be numbered in N.Y. can be found nearly everywhere, but otherwise, fresh information is a little hard to come by, to say the least. I’ll put it this way: I printed out every article of interest I found today, and the pile is low enough that Brian Scalabrine could clear it with ease.

Fortunately for you good folks, this means that we’ll be returning to the Articles That Diminish My Credibility As A Writer series, and, more specifically, the segment we like to call Lists You Never Needed To Read.

Let’s get right into it.

Fun With Lists Pt. II: Yao Ming, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, and more...

Three Reasons Somebody Needs to Give Shawn Kemp a Chance
  • With nine children (at least) by seven (at least) partners, it would be fun to see him roll up to games with the biggest posse in the league.
  • Amaré needs to be reminded of what could happen if he doesn’t act right.
  • There are only so many fat jokes I can crack about Michael Sweetney before I start to feel bad. I could make quips on Kemp’s weight indefinitely and maintain a clear conscience, however.
Four Reasons Dikembe Mutombo’s Jersey Should Be More Widely Available
  • When driving, I often block merging cars and wag my finger at them, Deke-style. With a Mutombo jersey, the humiliation effect would be magnified tenfold.
  • Owning the jersey would give me far more opportunities to break out my Dikembe impersonation, which I’m told is funny for the wrong reasons.
  • At 6’0’’, I’m rarely invited to play the centre position and generally end up having to handle the ball. With a Mutombo jersey, all that would change.
  • A Georgetown Dikembe uniform would give me the chance to use the single greatest pick-up line in the history of western civilisation: “Who wants to sex Mutombo?”
Five Reasons Yao Ming Is Straight Gangsta
  • Like all gangsters, Yao owns a restaurant.
  • He has beef with his government.
  • He rolls with a right-hand man.
  • He has gang tattoos. Probably.
  • He can still pull off the flat-top.
Five Things You’ll Never Hear David Stern Say
  • “I gots to get me one of those throwback jerseys.”
  • “Hi, Ron-Ron. I’m calling because my babysitter just cancelled on us and I heard you weren’t doing anything tonight.”
  • “I am proud to announce that, beginning next year, the NBA’s official apparel will be provided by Fubu.”
  • “I wasn’t going to go the game until I remembered the cheerleaders they have down there.”
  • “Why? Why? Because the freaking commissioner said so.”
Nine Product Partnerships That Need To Happen
  • Rip Hamilton and Duracell
  • Denver and McDonald’s – A “Golden Nuggets” advertising campaign would combine two of my favourite things: Denver and fried chicken.
  • Steve Nash and VO5
  • Kobe Bryant and Tiffany’s Diamonds
  • Pau Gasol and Gillette – Perhaps they could strike a deal to make him shave that nappy beard of his.
  • Charlie Villanueva and Gillette – Who has a closer shave than Charlie?
  • Keith Van Horn and Hawaiian Tropic – If their product could help Keith Van Heezy develop a tan, it’ll work on anyone. Let’s just hope they don’t put him in a bikini for the ad.
  • Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Nytol – Sleeping pills and The Big Zzzz? That’s a winning combination.
  • Rafer Alston and Skippy peanut butter – I can see the label right now: “Skip and Skippy”. I’m a Jif man, but I’d buy that.
That’s all for today, kids. For any comments, questions or suggestions, you can reach me via email ([email protected]) or the comment box at the bottom of the page. Until tomorrow, take it easy.