Thursday , Dec , 22 , 2005 C.Y. Ellis

The Day in Quotes: Fake Names, LeBron James, Shaq on Kobe, and more…

What’s good, basketball fans?

You know how this goes by now. If you don’t, you can check out one of the previous editions of TDIQ by clicking on the links to the right of your screen. As always, you can contact me with your comments, suggestions and basketball queries at [email protected].

Let’s get right into it.

“I don’t know Ron, so I can’t say whether he would scare me or not.” – Dwane Casey

Either Dwane Casey is hardcore or, frankly, a little slow. I can’t tell you if there’s a higher power in the universe or whether our oil reserves will run dry in the next thirty years, but one thing I know for damn sure is that Ron Artest should put the fear in most rational people. With a 6’7”, 260-pound frame and the behavioural tendencies of a bipolar Tyrannosaurus Rex, he’s a cause for concern on several levels. If you gave me the choice between being locked in a room with an angry Ron-Ron or being thrown in a shark tank, I’d start looking for my snorkel.

The Day in Quotes: Fake Names, LeBron James, Shaq on Kobe, and more...

“My diseased tissue went a little bit further into my conductivity system. That’s what disrupted that whole connection and caused me to have a pacemaker.” – Fred Hoiberg
Let’s not forget that this is a player on the cusp of a comeback. He might not have the intimidating physical presence of a Ron Artest or Ben Wallace, but Fred Hoiberg is one mean dude. It takes some kind of chutzpah to mention your pacemaker and your return to professional sports in the same breath. 
“You pay for a ticket to see LeBron perform, and it’s like getting a present. I just hope the people of Cleveland understand, realize what they have. He’s like The Beatles.” – Kevin Garnett
I never thought I’d see LeBron likened to the mop-top Liverpudlian rockers, but the comparison is actually pretty apt. In terms of his place in the game and the attention he garners, he holds much the same spot in basketball as The Beatles did in music back in the day. Now, if only we could convince him to get a bowl-cut, there’d really be a similarity.
“’In the next 15 or 20 years, I hope I’ll be the richest man in the world. ‘That’s one of my goals. I want to be a billionaire.” – LeBron James
Do you want to be the one to tell him he can’t do it? I don’t. In fact, I’ll be one of those people lining his pockets by buying just about every product he endorses. That’s the cereal you ate growing up, LeBron? I’ll take two boxes. That’s the sports drink that keeps you going, huh? Pour some of that on the cereal. You’ve signed a deal to promote Nascar? Okay, let’s not go crazy.  I mean, I can look out of my window and see cars for free. I’ll take a thousand bobbleheads, though.
“He (gave) me an extra elbow.” – Tony Parker on an Antonio Davis foul
What, three elbows? As far as I’m concerned, anything less is just about right. When you come into the lane as often as Tony Parker (he currently leads the league in points in the paint), you have to expect to take a shot or two. What’s more, when you’re the guy that gets to see Eva Longoria’s fun parts on a regular basis, you can’t complain when people hate on you with an elbow sandwich every so often.
“Now, it seems like we’re not making any progress. I don’t have an answer for it.” – Larry Brown
Yo, Larry, aren’t you the coach? You know, the guy whose job it is to have the answers? I’m just saying.
“T-Mac. Seven points.” – writing on the Raptors’ whiteboard after a win over the Rockets
The team record might say otherwise, but a game against Houston doesn’t count when Yao is out and Tracy isn’t putting points on the board. Celebrating that result is like celebrating a lottery win; sure, you were victorious, but you can’t act as if you had a lot to do with the outcome. Still, like a Star Wars fan, I guess Toronto has to take whatever they can get.
“Oooooph!” – Andres Nocioni every time he makes contact with another player
I can’t be the only one who’s sick of hearing him grunt like a pig with asthma whenever he comes within two feet of an opponent. For someone who plays such dirty basketball, he sure makes a lot of fuss whenever his defender gets physical.

“I used “Donovan Perot” because I’m fast like Donovan McNabb, and I’m rich like Ross Perot.” – Shaq on the alias he once used when checking into hotels
“Vladamire (sic) Mandingo” – Another of Shaq’s aliases
“Oh, that’s a big Russian-African looking dude.” – Shaq on why he chose the name
I’m not sure how anyone could harbour ill feelings towards the big fella. You could give me a frontal lobotomy and Shaq would still make me laugh like a six-year-old who’d eaten too much sugar.
“He shot the ball pretty good. What was he, 18-for-31? Congratulations.” – Shaq on Kobe
If irony were a sauce, that quote would be floating in it. I know Christmas Day is supposed to be about love and sharing (well, that and presents), but I truly hope the hatred spills onto the court when the Lakers meet the Heat.
It seems as if the reporters have broken for the holidays already, which means that we’re a little short on material today. Check back tomorrow for another edition of The Day in Quotes, when the league will hopefully be a little more talkative. Until then, take it easy.