Letter To Bryan Colangelo, the Raptors’ GM
Player: Oly Sandor.
Position: Guard, technically. But I find formal positions limiting.
Weight: 180 lbs.
Vertical Leap: Extremely limited.
Wingspan: Better than my vertical, but not by much.
Career Highlights: Winning the Hustle Award in grade seven at the University of Victoria summer basketball camp.
Professional Experience: How do you define professional?
Attention: Bryan Colangelo, General Manager of the Toronto Raptors.
I’m not upset with you or the Raptors for ignoring my requests for a tryout. There was a time my agent and I felt disrespected by your lack of interest, but we hold no grudges.
Instead of pulling a Gilbert Arenas and changing my number from eleven to zero, I’ve decided to extend a final olive branch to the Toronto organization. I’ll give you one last opportunity to sign me to the playoff roster.
Once again, here’s why Oly Sandor-notice the third person reference just like an NBA player-would be a good fit in Toronto:
1) Congratulations, your ‘Euro’ experiment has worked. No, I’m not referring to the currency twenty-five countries across the Atlantic Ocean use. And, no, I’m not referring to a meat sandwich eaten after a night at the bar.
I’m referring to how you rebuilt the Toronto franchise by adding a player from every country, semi-autonomous state, and breakaway republic in Europe. This strategy resulted in your organization winning the Atlantic Division.
But one player is missing. This player would provide your team with the ultimate edge in a seven game series.
That player is me. I’m ‘Euro’. My father is Hungarian. My mother is Scottish. But I was born in Vancouver, Canada, so my game is half ‘Euro’ and half North American.
My unique heritage makes me the living manifestation of Commissioner Stern’s global NBA dream. And with such an international perspective, I could forge a connection with your overseas talent and help them fully adjust to the subtleties of the North American game.
For example, Jose Calderon, Rasho Nesterovic, and Uros Slokar have all gotten tired from the 82 game grind of the NBA season. These guys are beat up. I have a solution to this problem-‘Euro’ style.
In exchange for a spot on Toronto’s playoff roster, I’ll provide my ‘Euro’ brothers with food and liquor imported from the Mediterranean-free of charge, of course. I’m confident Calderon, Nesterovic, and Slokar will quickly gain fifteen pounds of ‘muscle’ eating nothing but cheese, meat, and wine.
Please note this estimate is based on personal experience as opposed to tangible scientific evidence. And there may be some subtle side effects with this diet like a lack of motivation and moodiness.
2) Your front office and scouts may have lost track of me because I’ve moved on from dominating The Greek League. Okay, again, this wasn’t the Peja Stojakovic and Hedo Turkoglo Greek league, but the pick up runs at the Greek Church over on 32nd and Arbutus in Vancouver, Canada.
Anyway, those details are irrelevant. My NBA dream has taken me to the Monday night Veteran’s League. This league has NBA talent-well, sort of. One guy plays like Bobby Hurley. And a few weeks back, Sean and Alex exchanged baskets in a duel reminiscent of Larry Bird and Dominique Wilkins in the 1988 playoffs-minus the Hall of Fame athleticism and talent, of course.
3) The Veteran’s League has no buyout fee for player rights. This means I can immediately join the Raptors-there’s no red tape to negotiate through with FIBA or multimillion dollar buyout fee holding up my NBA debut.
However, the commissioner of the Monday night Veteran’s League is a big Ben Harper fan, so you may be on the hook for some tickets. But concert tickets do not count against the salary cap, so signing me will not force your organization to pay the dreaded luxury tax.
Again, these factors make me THE ideal candidate to join the Raptors. My agent and I urge you to finally take advantage of our latest olive branch and re-consider your previous decision as an organization not to offer me a roster spot.
Under the right circumstances, I could be convinced to provide Toronto with a private workout.
Oly Sandor aka Toronto’s missing link.
Oly Sandor is Hoopsvibe’s NBA analyst. Contact him at email@example.com