The sales pitch has got to be one of the toughest things to put together for any marketing team. It is one of those things that science alone cannot help them. The only way science can help is in producing the right numbers – the sweet science of money. There’s another science as well and that is the science of reproduction. Sex parties are the cure, but then again who wants herpes? That doesn’t cope well with these big name free agents doing public appearances. Even Delonte West gets clowned on and supposedly it’s just a birth mark.
Organizations are making sales pitch throughout the first week of July to entice big free agents to sign on with their respective team. What to say? How to say it? What to show? How to show it? These presentations have to appeal to the player’s psychology and senses. Is it money? Fame? Winning? Sex? Night life? A combination of all? I can only picture each team writing letters.
New York Knicks 3 Star Plan
Sign with us for $11.5 million. Then get two more to join for $11.5 each. Can you do that for us? Thanks. Mecca, stand up! Mecca! The Empire State Building isn’t going anywhere!
P.S. Eff Reggie Miller and Michael Jordan
New Jersey Nets Blueprint
You say Nets. I say, “I like.” Please sign on dotted line. Jay-Z, who is he? I never heard of music. Don’t understand. He said he will give you clothing line and cologne. Great stuff. I wish I had that, but I sleep with money. I smell like money. I am money. Basketball team? We got potential. I’m not sure if we can win right away, but we got The Blueprint. This Jay-Z, he has hot lady friend. I like. I like a lot. He will make an LP for you called “The Bron of Kings.” So please join us and we make this money. I will have Delonte West’s head in a box for you as a gift.
PS – Don’t ask where I get money. I make you disappear. Just kidding. No seriously.
Miami’s Super Team
I think we have Chris Bosh, Carlos Boozer, or Amar’e Stoudemire in the bag. Dwyane Wade is guaranteed to sign any day now. I never question his loyalty. Join us to form this super team in Miami. The lifestyle and weather are great. You’re missing out. We barely get fans to go to games, but that’s fine. That way you will not be bothered doing work on the court. Who needs all that cheering? It’s distracting. Michael Beasley will hook you up with that good Kush. Wait, Wade County gave up on chasing you? He hasn’t reported back to me yet. Wade is better than you anyway. Time to get new oil for my hair. Late.
P.S. I didn’t know Erik Spoelstra is Filipino.
We will not pay the Lux Tax. Never. Sorry. Did I answer your question? Vinny Del Negro was attacked because he had great hair. We were envious. We’re balding, man. We cannot wear head bands like you since we're old grumpy white men, but we know what the kids want. End of story. Don’t worry about Michael Jordan’s shadow. That thing will not attack you. Joakim Noah has great weed. I even smoked some. I didn’t inhale of course. We have six titles. You have none. Sucks to be you. Sign with us and it’s great to be us.
P.S. If Michael Jordan’s shadow does attack you in anyway, here’s an artist conception on how it might look like….
We have a small mob squad cheering every game. You might have read some dirty things about me in the papers regarding my other business. I can assure you I’m not racist. I just love green. I couldn’t care less about the other colors. They have to get out of my way, you know? Come sign with us. We have the money. I’m not going to pay for the others, but I have max money for you only. We have great talent. Blake Griffin is half white I think, but he’s ALL good. I have to go. Clipper Darrel is calling me. I want him to sign my cap 8 times with a black Sharpie. I only see red, white, and blue with him. He even pimped out his car with the Clipper colors! That’s a true American.
P.S. The Karma will end one day. Maybe. Eh. Screw it.