Thursday , Jan , 01 , 2009 J.N.

The NBA’s Western Conference: What each team wants (or doesn’t want) for 2009

The NBA's Western Conference:  What each team wants (or doesn't want) for 2009It’s the annual time to ring in the New Year. About half of the general managers should be in an inebriated state; half dead in bed pondering what to do with their joke of a roster they built. Other teams successfully winning are probably smashing girls they picked up somewhere at some club negotiating a buyout to cover up a baby they might have created on January 1, 2009. At least Charles Barkley manned up about speeding to get the best blow job ever.

Oklahoma City Thunder – 2 words: Cot Damn! Kevin Durant and Jeff Green are a nice duo that should be on another squad. And that squad should be the Seattle Supersonics. Owner Clay Bennett needs to return the team. Hmmm…maybe former Sonics fans don’t even want them back with that atrocity of a record. Oklahoma needs prayer.

Minnesota Timberwolves – Brandon Roy and OJ Mayo, where you at? Minnesota wants you guys back. McHale needs to go back to Boston to claim that he also had a hand in helping them win a title just like how Jerry West did with Pau Gasol. This team is stuck at the bottom for the next 5 years.

Sacramento Kings – This is a team with a second banana (Kevin Martin) who looks like the star. It sucks that he’s injured a lot. I blame his skinny frame. This is a team with plenty of great role players and their role is to keep losing to land that true star just like the 2007-2008 Chicago Bulls did to land Derrick Rose. When your best player thus far has been John Salmons, it’s usually a long season. They want a true star.

LA Clippers – So Baron Davis wants out of Clip land? So now he didn’t say that? Which one is it? Were you misquoted Baron? Hey, look. We’re big boys here. You, Me, and Camby. We can win these games. Hold up. Sorry, man. As long as Donald Sterling is the owner, The Clips are cursed forever. They want a better bench and trading away Kaman is a solution. Look on the bright side, pack up and leave town because this season is over. B-Diddy wants out. Can you blame him?

Golden State Warriors – I know they’re regretting about giving Corey Maggette that huge contract. Now he’s in dead serious trade talks. GM Chris Mullin is quietly finishing his contract and a lot of people are picking up and then dropping Monta Ellis in fantasy basketball. Andris Biedrins has been quietly beasting. Conclusion: They don’t want Maggette.

Memphis Grizzlies – OJ Mayo recently said that they learn from opponents. Keep learning, my dude. Did you learn that your point guard Mike Conley is a complete bust? Sure you did. A core of Rudy Gay, OJ Mayo, and Marc Gasol is nice. So keep on wanting to learn…in order to learn, you have to keep losing.

Utah Jazz – No more excuses. I don’t want to hear it. Utah has a nice team, Boozer or not. Fighting for the last playoff spot with solid 19-14 record doesn’t sound too good. If they can’t make the playoffs, what can you say Utah fans? Still complaining about that Michael Jordan push off? What Utah wants: The Next Karl Malone. What they don’t want: Facing the Lakers anywhere or Derrick Rose in any series.

Phoenix Suns – Steve Nash feels left out of the 2010 talk, eh? Who cares! Nash is old. It’s time to rebuild. The question is do you want to rebuild around Amare Stoudamire? I would. Who wouldn’t? The thing for concern is will Amare be here in 2010 to build around? I would quietly shop around Nash right now. What Phoenix wants is future first round picks to surround STAT.

Dallas Mavericks – They’re showing signs of life. Jason Kidd has quietly been putting up nice stats. I mean, he is on my fantasy team so I should know. Make that last playoff run with Kidd then hope for the best. Dirk Diggler is quietly beasting. Losing Devin Harris wasn’t that bad? Right? No answer? Hello? AMIRITE? Conclusion: They want Devin Harris back.

Portland Trailblazers: Is Jerryd Bayless a bust? Why can’t Portland’s stars stay injury free? Is Brandon Roy legit? Why is LaMarcus Aldridge soft? Why is Greg Oden slow? So many questions. What the Blazers want: Answers, but not of the Allen Iverson variety. Look up Wikipedia and NBA Draft Express or NBA for answers Kevin Pritchard.

Houston Rockets: Tracy McGrady is no longer a star. He’s now avoiding back to back games. Play him 25 minutes a game to maintain his health for the playoffs. Try not to run Yao Ming into the ground, eh? Rafer Alston is actually shooting well? Well kiss my grits. Wait, my bad. He’s not. Back to the same old Rafer. Let Ron Artest carry the Rockets to the playoffs since they don’t want serious injuries to their stars.

Denver Nuggets: They didn’t want Iverson. Billups changed their ways. What a refresher! What they want: Carmelo to shoot better…hell, to play just like he did last year. What the fuck happened to his numbers? That 33 point quarter was a flash in the pan. They also want JR Smith and George Karl to talk again.

San Antonio Spurs: How are those legs holding up? They’re currently the number 3 team in the West. Spurs fans do not want anyone to give them attention. I’ll give them the attention right here. Tim Duncan is still nice. Spurs will win the title this year. Did you like that attention? Oh I’m sorry. Did I just jinxed your team?

New Orleans Hornets: Chris Paul may become a top 5 point guard of all time if he keeps this up. Maybe even top 3, but is playing in New Orleans hurting his rep? Tyson Chandler is having a down year. I don’t know why. Eddy Curry recently told him “not to look.” What they want: another player to help Chris Paul down the stretch in crucial games.

LA Lakers: Kobe, Kobe, Kobe. I heard you guys want to trade Luke Walton, Sasha Vujacic, and Lamar Odom. I heard Vladimir Radmanovich wants to assassinate Phil Jackson. Kobe is maniacal over game tapes? I hear you, Kobe. I have a lot of old tapes of Michael Jordan, too. What they want: a better point guard through some trade if possible.