NBA 2011 Lockout Survival Guide
(Use only in an emergency and at your own discretion)
If there is a lockout, this will be short lived. I can’t see the players going more than a couple of months before they are hurting for a paycheck. Why would these NBA multimillionaires be hurting for a check? Just save your money, fellas. You should have a golden piggy bank somewhere like Scrooge McDuck diving in to his swimming pool filled with money. If these athletes wanted to help the economy then spend, spend, spend! It’s a buyer’s market out there. Buy things on the low.
Owners want a hard cap, I presume?
I can’t blame them. They will lock out the players if they don’t agree to major concessions. Gauging the economy today, probably a third of the owners will not lose that much money in duration of a lockout than if they play a season. The owners need major concessions to stay in business with some profitability. With franchise values likely plummeting because of the financial climate, the owners aren’t making money with the value of the franchise rising regardless of yearly profits, so those profits will be far more significant. Where is the payoff, right? In the end, owners want to see that extra cheddar. They just do not want to spend major loot for the entire roster. Let’s make it fair for all teams involved including small markets.
Does anyone else remember the 1998-1999 lockout shortened season? The only thing I can recall is getting busy with life outside, school, and the NFL. People, please remember, there is life outside of the NBA. Especially if you have the financial funds to temporarily support a particular lifestyle. What to do if a lockout happens again when they’re negotiating for a new Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA)?
I’m here to save your life. No thanks needed.
- Get active. There’s sun, wind, rain, and earth to explore. Go to a gym. You don’t have to do anything. Just look at the machines, walk around, and claim that you actually got out doing something.
- Loiter in front of any store a la Kevin Smith’s “Clerks.” Just don’t be mistaken as a drug dealer or some kind of freak with a trench coat getting ready to flash anyone.
- Play online video games, all day every day. If you’re into World of Warcraft and such, be prepared to gain a whole mess of weight, poor eye vision, and bad hygiene.
- Borrow people’s DVD and Blu-Ray collection of films. I heard Robocop is good.
- Get a copy of NBA 2K11 and play out a full season of “what could have been?” Immerse yourself in the draft combine and then venture to career mode.
- Write the next Oscar-winning screenplay or great American novel.
- Get acquainted somehow with the opposite sex.
- E-Stalk certain basketball players’ lifestyles such as Shaq, Ron Artest, and Dwayne Wade.
- Actually play basketball.
- Practice on dethroning two-time defending champion Joey Chestnut and six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi at Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.
- Take pictures and post them all over social networking sites to show how “awesome” you are. Pictures with people lurking in the background and drunken pictures are definitely appreciated.
- Fix "Jon and Kate’s Plus Eight" marriage.
- Reunite the Saved by the Bell cast on Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night.
- Watch old Youtube videos of basketball highlights.
- Support the NHL. They need more fans.
- Appreciate the night life. Hit the clubs. Just don’t get mad if you stand in line for over an hour while some bouncer acts all tough messing with people smaller than him in order to cover up some kind of deficiency.
- Figure out how to obtain world peace.
- End world hunger.
- Find a cure for AIDS.
How would you spend your time during a lockout? Come up with some suggestions. Keep it clean.