I’m going to be honest and make this admission before we start: Despite having family and other acquaintances up there, I’ve never taken the time to visit the city of Toronto. As such, I’m just going to have to assume that the general population of T-Dot and the rest of the Golden Horseshoe isn’t slower than Greg Ostertag in lead sneakers. If this is a fair assumption (and the fact that the city’s still intact shows that it is), then I’m going to have to call Rafael Araujo out for his recent comments in the Toronto Star.

"The fans (in Toronto) didn’t know what I can do," Araujo said yesterday. "Here they know what I can do. I was a good player, I’ve been a good player and I just didn’t have the right fair chance."

What self-help tapes has this dude been listening to? You averaged two and three last year, Hoffa. As a 6’11’’, 270-pound waste of space (and money), you managed to shoot a princely 36.6% from the field. This, folks, is a player who started thirty-four games for an NBA team. I really don’t know what to say about comments such as the one which follows.

"I did my best there, I worked hard for two years," he said. "The coaching staff and the director (general manager) part, I couldn’t control that."

Now, I accept that certain players are limited by circumstance. Boris Diaw was never given the opportunity to show off his full skill set in Atlanta. Tracy McGrady didn’t get his chance to shine while playing alongside Vince. Gilbert Arenas wasn’t able to express his talent while in Oakland. Rafael Araujo, however, does not fall into this category. 

He was picked far too early in the draft and immediately justified public scepticism at the selection. In his second season, his game somehow deteriorated before the Raptors showed mercy and sent him back to Utah. There were many factors holding him back, but – and you should get your necks limber to nod in agreement here – the suits in the upper tier at Air Canada weren’t one of them.

They say you can’t teach height. Well, you can’t teach bitch either. If the folks in Salt Lake City don’t tear this guy a new one, they’re either giving him a pass for playing at BYU, or they’re simply showing that trademark Mormon politeness. (Admission number two: My knowledge of the Mormon character is derived entirely from the movie Orgazmo. It may not be accurate, but it’s funnier this way.)

- CYE

While most coaches have the liberty of blaming their roster on a scapegoat from time to time, Zeke is in the unusual position of having to deal with the mess he created. It’s for this reason that Isiah Thomas’ recent comments about Eddy Curry’s “progress” have been fairly moderate. Read on for an example of the triumph of rhetoric over the truth.

"We have a lot of time. We’re not asking Eddy to dominate the league at twenty-three years of age. That’s a tall task for anyone. I don’t remember too many twenty-three-year-olds coming in and dominating, regardless of how long they’ve been in the league. Twenty-three is still twenty-three."

How old is Eddy again? I’d guess he’s twenty-three or so if this is his sixth season out of high school. I do my best not to criticise (watch me lie, America), but from time to time I just can’t help but take a sip of my Haterade and tear the players apart like Michael Sweetney does an ice cream sundae. Do you not think that more than half a decade’s experience in possibly the most competitive sporting league in the world would be enough for most players to begin to realise their potential? Apparently, all Eddy Curry has realised in his NBA career is that most foods taste better with cheese on them. 

I don’t mean to turn this into a fat joke-fest (I lie again), but if there’s anyone I’d expect to watch their weight, it’s a professional athlete with a heart condition. With a belly better suited to sumo than hoops, however, it’s clear that counting Curry’s calories would have Stephen Hawking reaching for the calculator. For the second time today, I find myself having to reproach millionaires for not finding inordinate amounts of cash sufficient motivation to do what’s necessary when 99.99% of the world’s ballers are happy to work their tails off without seeing a penny for it.

He doesn’t exactly help himself with crap like this.

Houston’s 26-year-old, 7-5 center took Curry to school when the teams met in Houston Nov.10, outscoring him 35-7 (on 15-of-21 shooting to Curry’s 2-for-11) and outrebounding him 17-5 in the Rockets’ 103-94 win.

"Don’t let him get 30 or 40 on me," said Curry, who shot 2-of-9 for seven points and sat out the fourth quarter of Saturday’s loss to Boston. "We gotta do somethin’. I mean, Yao went crazy last game."

The next time somebody tells me that the Knicks “didn’t show up last night”, I’m going to take it literally and assume that Eddy Curry ate the rest of the squad. Seriously, I can’t bring myself to do anything more than mock a guy who, despite having access to countless physicians, trainers and nutritionists, chooses to hurt his team by keeping his holiday weight on all year. You’re fat, Curry. Fat. That’s really all I’ve got.

- CYE

If anything’s guaranteed to undermine your credibility as a coach, it’s having your star player directly contradict you, and in a way that makes it clear you were spitting misleading half-truths to the media like a senator caught in a brothel. Such was the scenario (the lying, not showing up in a whorehouse) for Coach Cheeks following his post-game interview, as Allen Iverson took his point and treated it with as much respect as Antonio Daniels’ ankles. Cast your eye over some excerpts from this report, and join me in a little game of Spot the Lie.

"I loved our effort…We didn’t win but I thought our effort was big, was huge."

But when asked whether he liked the Sixers’ effort as well, Allen Iverson spit out a "no" as if he had just found something strange in his cheeseburger.

"Look, I’m not trying to be an ass, I promise you," Iverson said in the visiting locker room at Staples Center before getting three stitches in his chin courtesy of an accidental elbow by Corey Maggette on Maggette’s drive to the hoop. "But I don’t care nothing about that."

Could you find the fib? Call me a cynic, but, having watched Philly play a few times this season, I’m more inclined to consider AI’s sentiment the genuine one. After all, with a sub-.500 record and the burden of scoring, passing, initiating the plays, raising morale and tying the starting five’s laces (Iggy’s cool, though; he’s got velcro), you’d be a little irked as well. It’s not surprising, then, that The Answer should have a sardonic response for his coach’s suggestion that a little effort compensates for the fact that the team blows harder than Stan Van Gundy after his “Buns of Steel” workout.

"I don’t care who you’re playing against, if you’re playing a little rec-league team. The effort is supposed to be there every night. So it’s not a big thing for me. To say, ’Yeah, we gave effort’ or whatever, you’re supposed to give effort. But when you go out and play basketball, you’re supposed to win the basketball game."

“Effort? What you want, a cookie?” I couldn’t help but connect Bubba’s comments with Chris Rock’s famous Bring the Pain diatribe, and I probably wasn’t the only one. If men earning millions of dollars for doing something that I and countless others do for fun are being praised for putting in a little effort, I just don’t know what to say. Perhaps incentivising this squad with cookies and other treats might not be the worst idea. Who knows? Maybe Samuel Dalembert would stop wandering around the paint like he’d just been thrown in a spin dryer then maced if Mo promised to buy him the new bicycle he requested in his letter to Santa.

- CYE 

JVG, a man not known for holding his tongue at the best of times, has been firing verbal darts at the officials all season in the hopes of some attention. Well, the powers that be took notice today, announcing that Jeff Van Gundy has been fined $25,000 for public criticism of the officials. The only surprise here is that the league didn’t pull the trigger on this a little earlier. Let’s see what the Thought Police have to say.

"In general, coaches are not permitted to comment on officiating publicly," said Stu Jackson, NBA executive vice president of basketball operations. "We prefer if they have an issue with officiating they contact us, and we’ll be happy to discuss it with them. In our evaluation, this crossed the line. Any time coaches reference the officials publicly, they run that risk, and the coaches are well aware of that."

Right. So, let me get this straight: Reasoned objections from Van Grumpy are worth twenty-five large, but threats of violence by Isiah Thomas result in the NBA taking action? I’ll run the comments alongside one another, and you can decide which one appears the more finable.

"They so regulate contact right now, the only thing I think is sometimes reckless is what is going on inside, like a swing at the head of Yao the last game," Van Gundy said. "Antoine Walker tries to push him down. Not only is there not a call, it should have been a flagrant foul."

”Next time he does that, break his fucking foot…I’d beat the shit out of somebody.”

Somehow, the bipolar bastards at the league office felt, following five days of deliberation, that Jeffrey Combover was the one who should take a shot to the pockets. Freaky Zekey, on the other hand, was obliged by Stu Jackson (or “S-Jax” as his girls know him) when he made a phone call to Bruce Bowen letting him know that his step-and-slide technique was verboten.

So, why the inconsistent treatment? To answer that, I’m going to have to take you back to Jeff’s last run-in with the authorities.

Houston Rockets coach Jeff Van Gundy, already fined a record $100,000 by the NBA, could be banned from the league if he continues to publicly criticize officials, commissioner David Stern said.

"If he’s going to say things like that, he’s not going to continue in this league," Stern told reporters in Houston.

Stern called the fine "an intermediary step" and said an investigation would continue once the playoffs were over for Houston.

"If the attitude reflected in those comments continues to be public, he’s going to have a big problem with me as long as I’m commissioner," Stern said.

Translation: “Respect my gangsta.” Davepoleon Bonaparte’s built up his empire with years of hard work, and he’s not about to have some big-mouth, Sam The Eagle-looking S.O.B. sass him without repercussion. This most recent round of fines, then, is merely confirmation that the house always wins, particularly when you try to challenge them on such touchy issues as officiating.

Free speech, it appears, is not protected by the league’s constitution. I’m just waiting for the day that I receive a visit from two baseball bat-wielding goons telling me that “Davido Sterneone sends his regards.” If you ever see me writing a column for NBA.com, you’ll know they got me.

- CYE 

Although my experience has led me to believe that Shaquille O’Neal’s teams should never be judged on their early-season play, the man with the world’s most flammable hair appears to disagree with me. With Miami’s record standing at a disappointing 3-4, Pat Riley cut loose and publicly shamed the Heat, citing shoddy defence as the cause of their current woes.

"Right now, we are one of the worst defensive teams that I have ever coached," Riley said. "Maybe it is the system. Maybe it is the coach. I’ll know in the next month."

Ugh. Riley could have sent the same message by lining the squad up and bashing their heads together, Stooge-style. While other coaches make every effort with their phrasing to avoid calling the team out directly, it’s clear that Project Pat doesn’t play around. Still, it’s quite a jump from “Fifteen Strong” to calling them, in effect, a “Bunch of Big Bitches”. At least he followed it up with some incisive commentary on the issues to be addressed.

"It is awareness to make an effort first and then the effort," Riley said, "really anticipating, communicating and talking."

Actually, I take that back. I’m not sure “an effort first and then the effort” means anything to anyone. Still, with a physical appearance that suggests close ties with a Venezuelan drug ring, I’m not going to say too much about Pat. I have people in Miami; I don’t want to be finding toes in my mailbox.

Fortunately, it seems as if Riley’s gangsterish invective has had the desired effect, and the players are finally talking as if they want to add to their jewellery collection.

"I don’t who was the worst before us, but that is probably pretty bad," Haslem said. "I would hope everybody on our team would take that to heart and get to work."

"The bright side is we have 75 games left to get it right," Mourning said, "and as hard as we work, it is going to get better. After 25-50 games, if it isn’t better, then it will be time to worry."

Hold up: “25-50 games”? Waiting that long would be like giving Isiah Thomas two seasons in charge of a basketball franchise before deciding that he was as competent as a GM as Keith Van Horn would be as a spokesmodel for Hawaiian Tropic. Nobody would be stupid enough to do that. Nobody.

- CYE

Currently averaging career lows in points, steals, assists and field goal percentage, it seems as if things are starting to get on top of everyone’s favourite wooden-legged power forward. Just seven games into his third tour of duty with the Sixers, Chris Webber has made it clear that he wants to leave Philadelphia. Over to you, C-Dub.

"I’m not going to keep playing like this," Webber said after scoring six points in 23 minutes in Philadelphia’s 96-90 victory Wednesday night in Seattle.

Webber said he has talked to 76ers management and made his feelings clear.

"I don’t like this role," he said. "So, you can take that however you want."

Also cited as a source of irritation was his lack of court time, and it’s understandable that a perennial All-Star should be irked to have to ride the pine for nearly twenty minutes a night. Chris Webber, however, isn’t your average All-Star. Sure, he boasts a career twenty-ten average, but you could replicate his contributions in the clutch by putting a pot plant in a pair of high-tops and setting it down on the free-throw line. The plant, at least, wouldn’t have the chance to fuck things up by calling for a time-out.

So, what can the Sixers expect in exchange for Chris? Despite being as comfortable in crunch time as George Bush at a midnight showing of “Brokeback Mountain” and having the lateral mobility of an arthritic tortoise, he might just be the most valuable player in the league for one reason, and one reason alone: He knows how to get a date with Tyra Banks.

Still, Mo is making an effort to stay as upbeat as possible about the situation.

Said 76ers coach Maurice Cheeks when asked if Webber is having a tough adjustment: "I’m sure. But this is a team game and we’re trying to treat it as such. We’re not trying to put a lot of individual things on what we’re trying to do. I certainly understand it’s hard. It’s a difficult situation. But we’re trying to do this as a team and not break it down."

Sure thing, coach. Team, team, team. Philly, of course, is a squad very much focused on the concept of the collective, with no real standout individual whose role is valued above that of the others. In fact, you could lose, say, Allen Iverson for the season and still have every chance of compiling a respectable record and not being confused for a WNBA expansion franchise whose players are slightly more mannish than average.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a trip to the emergency room. I think the blood vessel serving my brain’s irony centre may have ruptured.

- CYE

I won’t feign surprise at this report, but it’s still disappointing to see a player go down for the year. The news from Denver is that, having previously had a projected rehabilitation period of between six and eight weeks, Kenyon Martin will be out for the rest of the season following an arthroscopic procedure on his right knee.

Martin played the first two games this season before cartilage damage was found in his right knee. Martin had been told he would miss six to eight weeks, and Karl was even more optimistic.

Martin underwent surgery Wednesday, and significant damage was found in the knee, more than a magnetic resonance imaging exam previously had revealed.

It’s a shame to think that, with some believing Amaré may never recapture his form, we could be losing another of the league’s beasts to brittle knees. Coming out of college looking like the sort of dude who ate cheerleaders as a pre-game snack, K-Mart seems to have lost his swagger lately, and another protracted recovery process isn’t going to do anything for him.

The Nuggets, at least, have a brace of burly bigs in reserve, although with Nenê rocking Kevlar knee supports and Marcus Camby’s bones having the integral strength of damp chalk, they might want to seek more support up front. My recommendation? Shawn Kemp. You know, just for jokes. Plus, they could give the impression of being at capacity every night by filling the spare seats with his kids.

- CYE

Yesterday, we read of how Zach Randolph has had a civil suit filed against him for alleged offences for which there is so little evidence that the police didn’t even consider him a suspect. Today, in more trying-to-get-something-for-nothing news, Kobe Bryant is being sued for assault and battery by fan Bill Geeslin. Fortunately for Billy, he has thousands of fans as witnesses and video footage from numerous angles as evidence. Unfortunately for Billy, nothing happened.

Bill Geeslin sat in the stands when the Lakers played in Memphis last Nov. 14. His three-page federal lawsuit filed Tuesday claims that Bryant came off the court during play, landed on Geeslin and "without provocation" committed assault and battery when he struck Geeslin with his elbow.

I’m really hoping this didn’t go down, because if Kobe did throw a ‘bow at an unsuspecting fan, I imagine it would have made national news. If that’s the case, somebody’s been slipping drugs in my cereal since I can’t remember a damn thing about it.

Now, I’m not a criminologist by trade, but I have watched nearly every episode of Monk and CSI: Miami, and I feel this qualifies me to pass my expert judgement on this case. Lacking the necessary forensic evidence to really get my nails into the matter, however, I’m just going to have to Sherlock a conclusion based on media reports and what we like to refer to in the business as “common freaking sense”.

Here’s how I’m guessing – no, alleging – it all unfolded:

1. Kobe (codename: Mamba) chases loose ball into crowd.

3. Kobe, attempting to free himself from the mass of bodies into which he has flung himself, accidentally knocks Mr. Getcash upside the head.

4. After a year of soul-searching and spending beyond his means, Getcash decides that the right thing to do is to put this incorrigible criminal behind bars.

5. Having consulted an attorney, he decides that it might be better if he got paid – I mean, achieved justice financially (I’m not trying to get my ass sued here).

So, what’s the damage to his wallet if Kobe loses?

Geeslin claims seeks more than $75,000 in damages for unspecified injuries that required medical attention.

Seventy-five grand for an elbow to the dome? Which hospital did this guy go to? For that kind of cash, I’d expect a platinum neck brace and daily massages from Halle Berry.

As a sidenote, I feel I should inform you that I also plan to sue Kobe Bryant. On seeing him dunk over Steve Nash during the Lakers-Suns series in last year’s playoffs, I leapt up in excitement and spilled popcorn over myself, burning my leg with the hot butter. Doctors say I may never grow hair on that part of my thigh again. Why did I have to wear my shorty shorts that day? Why mockest thou me, fate?

I want a million, Mamba.

- CYE