Friday , Mar , 13 , 2009 C.Y. Ellis

Marko Jaric Accused of Sexual Assault [Update: No Charges Will Be Pressed]

Marko Jaric Accused of Sexual Assault [Update: No Charges Will Be Pressed]About thirty minutes after posting this piece, we received the following message:

Statement from Attorney Bruce L. Castor Jr. on Behalf of his client Marko Jaric:

“I received official word from the Philadelphia District Attorneys office that after a thorough investigation no charges will be filed against my client Marko Jaric, (an NBA player for the Memphis Grizzlies), in connection with the alleged incident with an unnamed female on February 11, 2009 while his team was in town to play the 76ers.

Persons in Marko’s position are often the target of malicious statements and it is not unusual for the police to be asked to investigate.  However, these allegations were proved to be completely false, and while Marko is extremely unsettled by these accusations, he is happy that the law enforcement authorities have cleared him of any criminal conduct and the issue can now be put to rest.”

So that’s that.  What follows is what we wrote when the story first dropped.

According to, Marko Jaric is being investigated for sexual assault.  That, at present, is all that is known about the situation.

If it is true that Jaric acted improperly towards the Philadelphia woman in question, we also know this: He is an early contender for the 2009 Fuckwit of the Year award.  Why, when you’ve just married a Brazilian supermodel, would you so much as think of looking elsewhere, let alone follow Little Marko into a situation that, at best, will result in you taking a massive step down from your current wife.

I once met a small-time model and, being the optimistic chap I was, figured that I might get a phone number if I played my cards right.  (I did incidentally; she never picked up.)  With Adriana Lima, however, the best-case scenario would involve her rejecting my awkward advances with regular mace rather than the stuff they use on bears. 

Marko Jaric, though, risked taking a shot of pepper to the peepers and, beating lottery-type odds, ended up marrying she who causes worldwide trouser happiness every time she appears doing whatever it is she is supposed to do.  Then, if the reports are to be believed, he turned his eye elsewhere and fucked up worse than the banks, making news as the dude dumb enough to cheat on Adriana Lima and get caught.

If his accuser is crying wolf, however, you have to feel for the guy.  We’ll keep you updated as we hear more.