It’s the Final Countdown

In the real world, the playoffs haven’t started yet; in fantasy world, it’s the championships. In other words: Real World 0, Fantasy World 1. Boo-yah! Also, in the real world, Dirk Nowitzki came this close to a championship and then had his German heart broken; in fantasy world, he is going to win a Scheissmenge* of championships, at least one at my expense. It should also be noted that Dirk Nowitzki is not in fact human, but a reconstructed basketball cyborg of destruction.

This week’s column is going to be a lot like the last two. Next week, things get more interesting; we’ll examine the fantasy season, draw some conclusions, compare players to foods we like, and get distracted by shiny fluttering things. In the meantime, here’s how to win it all, with plagiarized commentary from my InStyle-reading little sister. Overcome deficits in:

Points.  First, know that the Wizards, Nuggets, Bucks, and Knicks all have three games left. The Sixers and Kings have five; Lou Williams (owned in 7.6% of ESPN leagues) has 70 points in his last four games. Detroit’s Will Bynum (1.5%) is a riskier but potentially higher-reward pickup, ever since his nutso 26-point fourth-quarter against Charlotte. Flip Murray (3.8%) and Anthony Morrow (11.5%) are also not going to cool down. Finally, use Mike Conley Jr. (37.7%) to burn your opponents in the face.  InStyle-reading little sister says: “Will Bynum is a pickup for a new era.”

Rebounds. Jason Thompson (22.5%), Antonio McDyess (31.4%), and this week, the weepy Anthony Randolph (14.8%).  InStyle-reading little sister says:  “Anthony Randolph is for the minimalist who still wants a little twinkle.”

Assists. Will Bynum again, plus the celebrated garbageman Sebastian Telfair (2.4%). And of course Beno Udrih (39.1%), if you can get him.  InStyle-reading little sister says: “His eyes are like the shiniest, most iridescent coffee beans.”

Threes. Mike Conley again Anthony Morrow again. Michael Finley (5.5%), especially with Ginobili out for good. And, obviously, just check on J.R. Smith (62.6%).  InStyle-reading little sister says: “He is unique, magical—definitely the most colorful person I’ve ever met.”

Steals. Flip Murray again. Mike Conley again.  InStyle-reading little sister says: “Mike Conley himself is more complex, a full-spectrum man.”

Blocks. Jason Thompson. Nenad Krstic (1.6%) intrigues me greatly.  InStyle-reading little sister says: “I’m now doing this spray-tanning product, this air-brush spray, which I’ve wanted to do for a while.”

Percentages. USE(LESS) likes Jason Thompson, Grant Hill (65.1%), and Anderson Varejao (8.7%) to beautify your FG%. For FT%, enjoy the accurate and boring stylings of Keyon Dooling (2.3%) and C.J. Watson (1.0%).

Finally, here is the USE(LESS) Top 25 over the past ten games:

Next week: CLOSURE.

*”Shit-ton.”