Every now and then I like to shave my beard.
People generally tend not to know who I am afterward. This is because all that’s left behind of my former identity lies around the sink and down the drain. Along with a new identity, I’ve repeatedly found that I also pick up super powers.
I’ve called it the Ray Allen phenomenon.
When a man shaves his beard or shaves completely hairless, he becomes a confident superstar. Sometimes, his identity changes to an all-time great, provided he already has game in the first place.
Last night smooth Ray scored a season-high 35 points and the Boston C’s rebounded from their first consecutive losses of the season with a 100-90 win over the Blaze.
Dude single-handedly won the game with 26 points in the second half alone. Don’t tell me the old vet didn’t do some having at halftime!
Razor television ads are not kidding about how you turn into a new man when you’re clean-shaven. Ray Allen apparently knows it. When you have the smooth, refreshing feel of only a super sharp, five-blader can provide, there’s no question you’ll be playing above the rim!
Having tried this myself, I contend beards in the NBA must cease if we ever to see another Golden Age anywhere near the likes of the 1980’s.
Pundits have been scratching their heads since Jordan’s (another bald man) retirement about if and when the NBA will revitalize. The answer has always been simple.
Yes, there will be, with proper razor product placement.
Players like LeBron James and teammate Drew Gooden have the wrong idea. They’re thinking of the Biblical Samson story which described man deriving strength and power from not cutting his hair.
The Bible was wrong…well, at least when it came to shaving recommendations.
If LeBron and Drew were to accidentally pick up a razor and clean up their faces before a game, there’s no telling what they might become. Seriously, we might be in the midst of another NBA Golden Age on our hands…if players want to use the now frighteningly efficient Quatro technology.
No one would recognize James as himself, but rather an Oscar Robertson reincarnation, as a shaved James would become the first to average a trip-dub in over 30 years!
Gooden would transform his identity as well. He’d become the second coming of the great Daryl Dawkins who shattered the backboard twice in 40 days. In place of a beard, his legs and arms would grow extra muscles strong enough to break even the new, supposedly “shatter proof” glass.
“Chocolate Thunder Flying, Glass Flying, Robinzine Crying, Babies Crying, Glass Still Flying, Catch Crap, Rump Roasting, Bun Toasting, Thank You, Wham, Bam, I Am Jam!" Gooden would recite.
Pau Gasol not only would look more like his well-combed self from his rookie season but also like Pistons retired forward Bill Laimbeer. The oft-soft Gas Man will become the NBA’s enforcer, kicking ass and taking names.
The beardless potential of Baron Davis? He’d be second to only Nate "Tiny" Archibald to lead the League in both scoring and assists in the same season.
Guaran-Sheed? Oh yeah, Wallace in D-Town, well, his secret beardless identity would be Elvin Hayes – an offensive machine who could rebound and defend. Big E is a Top 50 player of all-time and is still Washington’s leader in points and blocked shots.
Just imagine what would happen if not only these players took on new razor-induced identities, but also DeShawn Stevenson ,Tyson Chandler, Ronny Turiaf, Chris Wilcox, Scott Pollard, Anthony Johnson, Jeff Foster, and (of course) Brian Skinner!
Yes, Ray Allen would be out of a job.
