We’re at the half-way point of the season, so there’s no better time than the present to hand out the first-half NBA fantasy awards. A columnist’s crutch, you say? Perhaps, but I don’t think there are any other awards out there like these...
The I’m Surprised They Didn’t Get Into A Head On Collision on the Freeway Minutes After I Held My Draft Award
Tie: Gilbert Arenas and Jermaine O’Neal
These two gimps were my first and second round picks in one league. One guess as to whether I’m going to come close to defending the championship I won the year before. It has gotten so bad that I was actually happy with the news that O’Neal was out two weeks. Just get him out of my lineup.
The Iron Man Award
Tie: Marcus Camby and Baron Davis
In both leagues that I’m in, the first-place team has Baron - not a surprise as he has remained relatively unscathed. Camby has been an animal while his teammates fall all around him. Can they really last the whole season? These guys normally have bones made out of Saltine crackers, so probably not. In the meantime, I’ll be curled up on the floor of my apartment, slowly rocking back and forth and chewing on my socks every night after viewing their stats.
The Most Heartless Flaunting of Hair to a Bald Guy Award
Chris Kaman
I shave my head because, um, it gives me an aerodynamic advantage when I play basketball. Yeah, that sounds good. Unfortunately, in the league I play in we didn’t win a game and I still can’t dunk without the aid of NASA. Meanwhile, Kaman is cavorting around basketball courts across America averaging 17 points, 14 rebounds and three blocks after cutting off his locks. He may be energized by his ’do, but it still looks like it was clipped by vandals.
The Fantasy Sports Impedes Enjoyment of Regular Sports Award
The Boston Celtics
With a 33-7 record as of this writing, my beloved Boston Celtics are back on the map. Of course, all I can concentrate on is Ray Allen misfiring every time I turn on the TV. If you have Allen, Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce this year, you have to be disappointed that the C’s have decided to share the ball and play defense. None are anywhere close to their career norms. If you are a Celtics fan, and this doesn’t take away from your enjoyment of their season, my column just isn’t for you. Then again, watching Doc Rivers coach the All-Star Game after what we’ve all witnessed the last few years makes up for almost anything I could imagine to complain about.
The Most Inevitable Incredible Season Award
LeBron James
2006-07 on my team: 27.3 PPG, 6.7 RPG, 6.0 APG, 1.6 SPG, 0.7 BPG
2007-08 on someone else’s team: 29.7 PPG, 7.6 RPG, 7.4 APG, 2.0 SPG, 1.1 BPG
After James coasted for most of last season, I finally traded him for Chris Bosh and Leandro Barbosa just to get rid of him. His monstrous ’07-08 is surprising nobody even remotely familiar with my fantasy basketball history.
Runners-up: Chris Paul (2006-07 on my team: 17.3 PPG, 4.4 RPG, 8.9 APG, 1.8 SPG, 43.7 FG%, 81.8 FT%; 2007-08 on someone else’s team: 21.1 PPG, 3.8 RPG, 10.5 APG, 2.7 SPG, 48.9 FG%, 88.4 FT%), Josh Smith (2006-07 on my team: 16.4 PPG, 8.6 RPG, 3.3 APG, 1.4 SPG, 2.9 BPG; 2007-08 on someone else’s team: 18.3 PPG, 8.1 RPG, 3.4 APG, 1.8 SPG, 3.3 BPG), Andrew Bogut (2006-07 on my team: 12.3 PPG, 8.9 RPG, 0.5 BPG; 2007-08 on someone else’s team: 13.5 PPG, 9.2 RPG, 1.7 BPG)
The Maybe He Should Just Shut Up Award
To me, who can’t stop bitching about the above guys even though I WON THIS LEAGUE LAST YEAR.
The Most Annoying Overachiever Award
Hedo Turkoglu
I’d be able to get over Turkoglu’s ascendance this season if one of the owners in my league hadn’t started him in Week 1. That made no sense. No one saw this coming. He’s averaging 19 points per game with six boards, four assists, two threes and over a steal a game. Watching unsuspecting fantasy owners enjoy his stats has inspired me to give him a new nickname: The Turkish Prison. Pure torture.
Runners-up: Antawn Jamison, Jamaal Tinsley, Brad Miller, Mike Dunleavy
The Karma Is a Bitch Award
To me and my partner in whine, Greg Fox. Writing a detailed fantasy basketball preview prior to the season is enough of a middle finger to the fantasy gods, but our fate was sealed when we also decided to share a team in a points-based league. This is easily the worst season of basketball we’ve ever experienced. And it is forever noted in posterity that we ranked Jermaine O’Neal #12 overall and picked Andrea Bargnani as a breakout candidate.
Best Actor
Daniel Day-Lewis
This has nothing to do with fantasy basketball, but I just wanted to say: see There Will Be Blood. A stunning performance.
The Rotowhine All-Stars (AKA The All-Letdown Team)
FIRST TEAM
PG - T.J. Ford
SG - Vince Carter
SF - Luol Deng
PF - Zach Randolph
C - Mehmet Okur
SECOND TEAM
PG - Kirk Hinrich
SG - Leandro Barbosa
SF - Kevin Durant
PF - Charlie Villanueva
C - Ben Wallace
The V For Vendetta All-Stars (Players most likely to go nuts in the game right after I drop them or bench them)
PG - Marko Jaric
SG - Cuttino Mobley
SF - Josh Childress
PF - Andres Nocioni
C - Nazr Mohammed
The All-Trade Bait Team (Dump ’em while they’re hot and healthy)
PG - Baron Davis
SG - Dwyane Wade
SF - Gerald Wallace
PF - Antawn Jamison
C - Marcus Camby
The All-Stuff-the-Stat-Sheet-In-Meaningless-Second-Half-Games-Where-No-Defense-Is-Played Team (Go get these guys)
PG - Mo Williams
SG - Andre Iguodala
SF - Kevin Durant
PF - Al Jefferson
C - Pau Gasol
The Most Abrupt Ending to a Column Ever Award
Me.
